While I was growing up, my family moved around a lot. This made me perpetually the new kid in every school I studied, and caused two different issues with making friends. One issue was that, because I was new, and also because I was on the nerdy side as a new kid, I was a bit of an outcast. The other issue was knowing that I probably wouldn’t be around for more than a couple of years, I didn’t seek to develop very deep relationships because I would leave and never see these kids again.
Unlike more recent years where Facebook and other online outlets have allowed for friendships to continue over long distances fairly easily, back then, you had to put effort into writing letters, mailing them, and hoping for return letters. It was fairly easy for one person or both to just stop sending letters, or calling, and thus friendships to end by way of distance. So it was, and so fear of me leaving crept into how I interacted with people.
Fear takes many forms, and most of the time it finds ways to keep us from doing things we want or should do. I, like many of you growing up, began to develop a desire to have a romantic relationship. There were girls I liked who I never asked out for fear of being rejected. I never really though much of myself because I always equated my social group as my personal standing. I feared making any moves, not only for fear of rejection, but fear that I would be made fun of for asking out the girls I liked.
The funny thing about people, though, is we know we have to overcome fear. Some fears like fear of spiders, fear of snakes, or fear of the dark, don’t necessarily eat away at us. We don’t encounter those that frequently, and they don’t affect our daily lives (for the most part). Other fears, like fear of social places, fear of rejection, fear of failure, etc., keep us from living life to the fullest. Every time we want to face that fear and don’t, we end up feeling worse. We identify the barrier, and can’t get through it. Fear can keep us paralyzed, and keep us stuck in a certain way of thinking. We might feel or know it’s wrong, or we might not even know fear is the culprit keeping us in those behaviors and thought patterns.
I say all this because, recently I have been eating myself up inside for not writing. I haven’t been writing in this blog, or on any of the other personal projects on which I’ve been working. You see, there’s been a lot going on with the world, as I’m sure most of you pay attention to the news, and I’ve been afraid to write. I’ve been afraid to say anything because I don’t want to be hated. I don’t want my words used against me. I don’t want to have people who think so strongly about things try to find me and come after me because they think differently than I do about many things. I haven’t been posting my thoughts on life and what’s going on because I’m afraid it won’t matter. So, I’ve kept it bottled up inside, without talking to anyone about my feelings on matters. It has been bottled up and I still don’t know if I will write about these things. I do hope that I’ll try. It’s why I labeled this article “Part One”.
I know I’m tired of bottling things up inside. I think I’m ready to write. I locked myself into fearing what others might think before and broke out of it once. Let’s see if I can do it again.
Until next time,